The winning formula

The guys that Lou keeps running out there aren't performing. Where are the changes that Lou promised? I've got the 25-man roster that Piniella should use, revolutionary changes and all...

THE STARTERS:

1. CF Felix Pie
44-111 (.396), 3 HR, 22 RBI, 28 runs scored with Iowa (AAA)
Pie has a .456 onbase percentage with Iowa. Even if his onbase percentage dropped by .100 in the major leagues, he'd have a higher onbase percentage than everyone on the team except Derrek Lee. Besides, he won't be afraid to steal a base.

2. SS Mike Fontenot
61-168 (.363), 6 HR, 31 RBI, 35 runs scored with Iowa (AAA)
Fontenot keeps tearing the cover off of the ball and leads Iowa with 100 total bases. His 13 walks puts his onbase percentage at .410, making him the perfect candidate for the second table setter.

3. 1B Derrek Lee
64-182 (.352), 4 HR, 30 RBI, 27 runs scored with Chicago
Even Derrek has been severely inconsistent this year, but you can't bench this guy. His onbase percentage has fallen to .419 and his slugging percentage has hoovered right about .500 all year, but Derrek should heat it up.

4. RF Matt Murton
29-105 (.276), 2 HR, 20 RBI, 15 runs scored with Chicago
Aramis can have the clean-up spot back when he starts to hustle. Murton may not be the prototypical clean up hitter, but since when have the Cubs had a prototypical anything? Murton is willing to take a few pitches and work himself into good counts (though even he's been doing less of that recently).

5. 3B Aramis Ramirez
55-190 (.289), 12 HR, 36 RBI, 26 runs scored with Chicago
Only 15 walks all season and so his onbase percentage is at a relatively low .340. Ramirez can supply the power that this team needs, but he could be easily replaced with Hoffpauir, who has 9 homers with Iowa.

6. LF Alfonso Soriano
55-190 (.289), 4 HR, 12 RBI, 29 runs scored with Chicago
Drop the stupid fuck tard to sixth; that should wake him up. Soriano has been swinging for power like a leadoff hitter and running the bases like a cleanup hitter. He also needs to stop jumping before catching every fly ball.

7. 2B Eric Patterson
55-172 (.320), 6 HR, 31 RBI, 37 runs scored with Iowa (AAA)
His numbers are very similar to that of Fontenot's. Perhaps, you could move Patterson into the two-slot to add more speed at the top and put Fontenot's massive production somewhere in an RBI slot.

8. C Geovany Soto
34-109 (.312), 4 HR, 25 RBI, 14 runs scored with Iowa (AAA)
His defense can't be worse than Michael Barrett's. Atleast you'll get some product this way. Koyie Hill is hitting the ball well in Iowa as well, so we should let him get every day time there. Let Michael Barrett work on his defense.

THE ROTATION:

1. RHP Carlos Zambrano
5-4, 5.24 ERA, 1.49 WHIP with Chicago
Yeah, he's been struggling, but he's also shown signs of coming out of his funk. Zambrano is still the ace of this staff and you can't justify not having him on the team.

2. LHP Ted Lilly
4-3, 3.52 ERA, 1.03 WHIP with Chicago
Many people thought that we overpayed for Lilly in the off-season. Sure, the contract is four years long, but so far, we've gotten everything that we could've asked for from Lilly.

3. RHP Jason Marquis
5-2, 2.93 ERA, 1.10 WHIP with Chicago
Marquis has been the most consistent pitcher of the staff so far this year (that's sad) and has kept us in every ballgame. Yeah, he's not as sharp since the complete game shutout, but he's still one of the better pitchers we've got.

4. LHP Rich Hill
4-4, 3.06 ERA, 1.07 WHIP with Chicago
Looks like he found his groove in Los Angeles. The new stretch position should help him hold the runners on, so hopefully that won't bother him pitching too much.

5. LHP Sean Marshall
0-2, 2.70 ERA, 1.05 WHIP with Chicago
2-0, 1.82 ERA, 1.01 WHIP with Iowa (AAA)
Wait a sec. This starting rotation contains the five guys that are in the rotation right now. I guess starting pitching isn't the matter...

THE BULLPEN:

CL Ryan Dempster
3.80 ERA, 1.06 WHIP, 11/12 saves with Chicago
The bullpen has been bad and so Ryan Dempster gets the brunt of the blame. It's not his fault though; Dempster's blown just one save and has been very serviceable as the closer. He should remain right where he is.

RHP Michael Wuertz
3.13 ERA, 1.35 WHIP, 0 blown saves with Chicago
A bit of a stumble last time out, but Wuertz has still been the most consistent guy in the bullpen. Had we been without Howry and Eyre, Wuertz would've been the no-brainer option for the eighth inning. Howry and Eyre suck, so that's where Wuertz should pitch.

LHP Will Ohman
4.85 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 0 blown saves with Chicago
Ohman's lefty splits are incredible: 3-22 (.136), 0 HR, 1 RBI. Ohman should be used as a lefty specialist and a lefty specialist alone. He runs into trouble when he has to face right handers.

LHP Carmen Pignatiello
0.00 ERA, 0.60 WHIP, 2/2 saves in 6.2 IP with Tennessee (AA)
1.06 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, 1/1 saves in 17 IP with Iowa (AAA)
Looks like manager Buddy Bailey is trying to send a message to the big club. Pignatiello, for some reason, has been ignored over and over again, so Bailey used him to close last night's ballgame. Pignatiello stepped up to the task with ease.

RHP Bobby Howry
5.11 ERA, 1.54 WHIP with Chicago
Howry has been as bad as Eyre and so he gets to stay on the major league roster. Ohman, Eyre, and Pignatiello pitch in the pressure situations until Howry rights his ship, though.

RHP Carlos Marmol
0.00 ERA, 0.95 WHIP in 6.1 IP with Chicago
4-1, 3.95 ERA, 1.02 WHIP in 41 IP with Iowa (AAA)
Marmol has been throwing the ball decently with the big club. He ought to be the mop-up guy in the bullpen and should be the first person that the Cubs turn to if a starting pitcher gets hurt or struggles.

LHP Geoffrey Jones
0.54 ERA, 0.60 WHIP, 6 saves in 16.2 IP with Tennessee (AA)
Another lefty reliever that could take Scott Eyre's place in the bullpen. He's also been ignored because the club wants Eyre to turn things around. Let Eyre figure out his shit in Iowa and give this 27-year-old a chance.

THE BENCH:

C Michael Barrett
41-168 (.244), 7 HR, 25 RBI, 15 runs scored with Chicago
He sits because he can't play defense worth shit and has a .293 onbase percentage.

2B Mark DeRosa
35-140 (.250), 5 HR, 21 RBI, 17 runs scored with Chicago
He draws walks, so he stays.

SS Ronny Cedeno
16-53 (.302), 1 HR, 5 RBI, 10 runs scored with Iowa (AAA)
Don't be fooled by Ryan Theriot. Theriot's been slumping and he's not the answer. Cedeno is.

LF/RF Cliff Floyd
31-104 (.298), 2 HR, 20 RBI, 12 runs scored with Chicago
Floyd is the left-handed bat off the bench. You don't need Ward.

OF Angel Pagan
12-42 (.286), 2 HR, 5 RBI, 3/3 steals with Chicago
He stays for speed and defense.